Perception is reality. We all construct our own reality & our very personal narratives to support that reality. Some of this is influenced by the way things ‘appear’ to us & some by the way we have been conditioned to perceive those appearances. In this essay — we shall discuss the former, i.e appearances.
Amongst all the appearances that we see, people are the most interesting. As we are social animals, how other people appear to us is crucial because we use those appearances to make (largely subconscious) decisions about befriending, according prestige or respect, falling in love or doing business with them. Hence appearances of people are a paramount driver of social networks.
Three things determine the appearance of a person — visual impact, words & behavior. Visual impact forms the first impressions. It starts with physical characteristics like body posture, eye contact & gestures. Physical features like height, weight, facial characteristics etc. may get conflated into summary designations like beautiful, nerdy, athletic or ugly. Next comes grooming — i.e how ‘well-kept’ or not are various body parts like hair, nails, body smell, tattoos etc. Then comes dressing & accessories (jewellery, watches) — which might extend to larger accessories like cars, homes & private jets.
Words — both what & how we speak also influence our appearance. Accents, vocabulary & fluency with language tell us something about a person's origins & education. The content of what we say tell others about our thinking & depth (or lack thereof) of our knowledge & insights.
Finally, behaviour — i.e what we actually do & how we go about doing it is an important ingredient of our appearance. Actions speak louder than words — as a common wisdom goes.
Now, given how important appearances are to our social lives, there is a strong incentive to ‘manage’ these appearances. In other words, it is useful in social life to appear to be more powerful, rich, influential, knowledgeable, lovable or famous than you actually are. Multibillion dollar industries are built on this need to manage appearances (luxury brands, luxury transportation, like yachts etc).
How then might one cut through the ‘managed’ appearances & get to know the ‘real’ person? There is the harder way to achieve this and a simpler way. The harder way is to collect multiple data points about a person, over a significant period of time, and evaluate how the person's story hangs together. These data points must be across the three major domains of visual impact, words & behavior. If hundreds of data points are collectively & consistently pointing toward say — an accomplished individual, then quite likely she is an accomplished individual. If however, there are multiple inconsistencies (‘says something does something’) then one must question the ‘managed’ appearance.
The simpler short cut is to use the human bias to overcorrect. If a man says ‘I always fly business class’ to impress somebody with his wealth, then probably he is not so wealthy. For, a truly wealthy man who does fly business class will take it as a given & will not think of stating it. Similarly when you hear any of the following statements, a red flag should go up & over-correction should be suspected:
- ‘I am very rich’
- ‘I know everybody’ or I am very famous
- I own XYZ & ABC assets
- I am most respected for my knowledge
- I only use designer labels
- I never cook as I have so many servants
- I am very religious
- And the best one is ‘I am very humble’ ☺
So, whether we like it or not — appearances do matter. Almost every human interaction has some element of managed appearances in it. Hence the debate between style versus substance becomes a moot one. A more important & somewhat deeper question to ask is ‘what impression is someone trying to create — and why?’ A follow up question to be asked is around how authentic is the person in question.
In conclusion, it is important to understand the origins & manifestations of managed appearances in human interactions. The ability to ‘see-through’ and correctly ascertain the motivations behind these managed appearances will enable one to have more consistent interactions. Most importantly, self reflection to understand one's own attempts at managing appearances must be acknowledged & dealt with.